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TICS FOR TATS
by Morning Starr
It's a dark and stormy night as I cyber-pen my first column. Literally! It's raining buckets of hardcore acid rain outside.
By the way, I'm Morning Starr. I'm not only female, but I'm your new bisexual woman's columnist. Whenever I feel like it, I'll profile a female wrestling personality here on Wrestling For Bisexuals in a way that I hope will be unique from other wrestling Web sites.
Today, I'm extremely happy to share my first column with you about a woman who was born the 12th of January, 1962 in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. A woman who for many years would be called Gertrude by her family and friends, but the rest of the world got to know this wonderful woman by other names.
We few, proud women dog-tired of seeing overrated, untalented bimbos flaunting thier silicone assets and little else appreciate the 5'6'' beauty's vicious mat techniques and tenacious managerial skills. We have our own name for perfection.
We call her Luna Vachon.
Luna's gravely voice-a feminine homage to her uncle (and favorite wrestler) Mad Dog Vachon-and chiseled body that was better than most males made her a zillion times sexier than if she was bisexual or lesbian. And the fact that she could Luna Bomb anyone, female or male. According to Luna herself, her favorite match ever was a steel cage match versus Stevie Richards in ECW, which of course she won. Most people were shocked that a man would have a steel cage match with her, but I wasn't. I knew she could mop the ring with Stevie's sexily tattered rent-boy jean daisy dukes and that she'd probably do it with a fistful of his Coca-Cola auburn-hued hair. She'd probably be laughing the whole time she did it, too!
Luna was lucky being a wrestling baby. She got to train on the road with her uncle and father. Her family supported her dreams enough to let her spend her formative wrestling years with her aunt, Vivian Vachon, until she garnered the attention of The Fabulous Moolah and got to perform in many matches for her all-women's promotion. Then, sometime in the mid-80's whilst she was in Florida, she hit a heat wave when she became one of the Daughters Of Darkness, tag teaming with (Winona Little Heart) Lock. It was one of Kevin Sullivan's crazier marketing angles that both women sold very well. Wearing harlequin black and white ring attire along with shaving half their heads and pulling thier bi-polar ring attitudes, they really garnered the attention of the fans. That's also when they kicked off thier "Satanic" stable angle, which included Fallen Angel (the late Nancy Sullivan a.k.a. Woman), Kharma (Gene Lewis-Petit), Maha Singh (Bob Roop) and Purple Haze (Mark Lewin).
Luna took a while off when she was in her early 20's, eventually returning for a three-year tour of Japan where she was managed by her father, Butcher Vachon. The next long stint she'd take off from wrestling would be due to the fact that she got married.
In real-life she was married to "The Vampire Warrior" a.k.a. "Gangrel" (David Heath), though she only got to briefly work with him in ECW and the WWF. Becoming a born again Christian and deciding to distance herself from the whole "Satanistic" image that she and her then-husband eschewed would explain why they eventually parted ways, but it doesn't make Luna any less of an inspiration to all of her fans.
Her love of the sport has never faltered, though fan interest in her has ebbed and flowed. Enough so that she was never really a staple in any promotion for a very long time. She was with the WWF on and off, most notably at WrestleMania X where she tag-teamed with on-screen romantic interest Bam Bam Bigelow against Doink and Dink the Clowns. Luna's team won. Later, Luna helped Sable (Rena Mero) through her starter matches. It was one of the only times I remember asking what they'd done to my brave, strong Luna? I was so excited when I realized the WWF was staring up their Woman's division again, then so horribly let down when it dawned on me that it was just another reason for gratuitous T and A. Everyone, no matter their orientation, can appreciate attractive Beef Cake or Cherry Pie. But NOT when you want to see actual WRESTLING matches that you've shelled out hard earned money for. Instead we were forced to see Luna sell and job to Sable. No matter how big of a crush I have on her, I still don't want to see real athletes like Luna, Ivory, Tori and Medusa in any degrading Evening Gown, Lingerie or Swimsuit Matches.
The latter Luna notoriously protested, refusing to take her gown off on the grounds she was extremely unhappy with the marginalization, degradation, objectification and sexualization of the WWF's Woman's division. That was a low time in her life, and for the fans of woman's professional wrestling, to see it turned into a cream-puff side show that was supposed to entice instead of dazzle and excite. Never afraid to say exactly what was on her mind, Luna supposedly managed to get herself into quite a few spots of trouble backstage with management, which usually lead to her untimely suspensions or unfortunate releases from her contract. Her comfort with saying what she thought with ease might explain why she always thought being a heel was more fun. She never necessarily wanted things pitched at her, but she loved seeing the audience participation in response to her actions in and out of the ring. Even if it was a messy compliment, it proved she suceeded in doing a job well done if she could incite a grown man to chuck his expensive mini-barrel of beer at her.
In late 1997, Luna decided to manage the controversial cross-dressing wrestler Goldust, and even helped him through one of his more complicated angles as The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust (which was a satirical poke at the pop music icon Prince). Luna helped Goldust mimick various opponents and cultural icons, which inevitiably meant he just dressed like that person and tacked "-dust" onto the end of the person's name and did outrageous parodies of them. "Sabledust" and "Hunterdust" were particularly amusing.
All in all, it goes without saying that Luna Vachon is a complex athlete that's brought woman's wrestling to new levels just by showing up in the ring and opening her mouth. Not to mention being accomplished enough to actually take home the USWA Woman's title, Florida Woman's Federation title and two Woman's Wrestling Tag Team titles before becoming the first female wrestler to be featured as a playable character in a WWF video game.
Six months after she became the first Great Lakes Championship Wrestling Ladies champion, Luna successfully defended her title in a match versus Traci Brooks and was able to retire the champion the 7th of December back in 2007.
So just what is one supposed to say when they're exposed to a woman this phenomenal?
How about this?
When I say "Eclipse Diving Splash?"
You say "Daughter Of Darkness!"
Show your love for Luna Vachon and our Web site. Purchase an autographed color picture of Luna from Amazon RIGHT NOW!